The Line

George Carlin once told me his job as a comic was to cross the line, bring people in the audience with him, and be glad they did.

Bar @ Hockey Rink

I'm drinking at the bar by myself and these two twenty-something-yr-old girls are both down at the end of the bar texting people. I sit next to them, pretending to frantically text away..
Fat girl: "Oh look, he's mocking us"
Hot girl (disinterested): "Who is?"
Fat girl (pointing) "This guy."
Me: "Nah, I'm not mocking anyone. No, no way"
(Awkward pause)

Me: "This is a picture of my puppy"
Fat girl: "Awww. He's adorable. I love yellow labs."
Hot girl: "I just put my labrador down. His name was Charlie"
Me: "Wow. Thanks for depressing the shit out of all of us"
(the phone of Hot girl rings)
Me: "Hey, why dont you answer your phone while we all stand here and cry"
Hot girl (speaking into phone): "Hang on just one second. (speaking to me): Hey, you're an ASSHOLE"
Me: "THAT'S where you're wrong! My wife says I have asshole 'TENDENCIES'." And I'm impressed it only took you a minute to figure that out. You're really not as dumb as you look."

The Wife's Best Friend (& her husband)

Me: "Just because she caught him wearing her underwear, it doesn't mean he's gay."
Wife: "Exactly how is that NOT gay?"
Me: "I'm not saying the act itself isn't gay. I'm just saying we don't understand the circumstances in which he put on her underwear."
Wife: "WTF are you talking about"
Me: "What if he recently burned himself with candle wax and could only handle the satiny material of ladies underwear?"
Wife: "Are you serious?"
Me: "What if he was soooo messed up that he grabbed undergarments out of what he thought was his drawer? Do you know the full story?"
Wife: "The FULL STORY is that she caught him wearing HER UNDERWEAR!"

Bloggers for Christ

VATICAN CITY - "For God's sake, blog!" Pope Benedict told priests on Saturday, saying they must learn to use new forms of communication to spread the gospel message.  Well, I'm all for it as long as they keep the content clean and don't promote the heavenly advantages of becoming an altar boy.
The site better not have "Enter Here" graphics above a dark confessional doorway or a "See What's in Our Rectory" message in bright neon.



For God's sake, blog!

Male Cheerleader Wants to Dance with Girls

Male Cheerleader Wants to Dance with Girls -Seattle Post Intelligencer

"Suzanne Grundy says 'the combination of a bi-racial, mentally challenged gay male may be too much for them.'"

Some jokes just write themselves...

An actual Facebook conversation

Sarah Palin: is wondering just how late she is going to be here at work tonight. And if certain people ever stop playing ping pong.

Mel Gibson: By "certain people" are you refering to Asians?

Sarah Palin: Mel, you are just so wrong...I mean the under 30 crowd who stay here late to play.

Mel Gibson: So, by "under 30 crowd" you mean Asian millenials?

Facebook Post of the Week

It's gettin' old people! I'm tiring of these facebook weeks. I'm tired of the "Post your doppleganger's bra size"-week (Carol Woodle 38DDD btw) or the "Post the urban dictionary definition of your name"-week (rich, powerful, black women that can buy anything they want: "you just mad cause you suckas just got Oprahed") I keep waiting for "Post the name of your stillborn fetus"-week. Where is THAT week? And I'm guessing it would be Lil' Harpo...

Carol Woodle facebook page