The Line

George Carlin once told me his job as a comic was to cross the line, bring people in the audience with him, and be glad they did.

Bar @ Hockey Rink

I'm drinking at the bar by myself and these two twenty-something-yr-old girls are both down at the end of the bar texting people. I sit next to them, pretending to frantically text away..
Fat girl: "Oh look, he's mocking us"
Hot girl (disinterested): "Who is?"
Fat girl (pointing) "This guy."
Me: "Nah, I'm not mocking anyone. No, no way"
(Awkward pause)

Me: "This is a picture of my puppy"
Fat girl: "Awww. He's adorable. I love yellow labs."
Hot girl: "I just put my labrador down. His name was Charlie"
Me: "Wow. Thanks for depressing the shit out of all of us"
(the phone of Hot girl rings)
Me: "Hey, why dont you answer your phone while we all stand here and cry"
Hot girl (speaking into phone): "Hang on just one second. (speaking to me): Hey, you're an ASSHOLE"
Me: "THAT'S where you're wrong! My wife says I have asshole 'TENDENCIES'." And I'm impressed it only took you a minute to figure that out. You're really not as dumb as you look."

The Wife's Best Friend (& her husband)

Me: "Just because she caught him wearing her underwear, it doesn't mean he's gay."
Wife: "Exactly how is that NOT gay?"
Me: "I'm not saying the act itself isn't gay. I'm just saying we don't understand the circumstances in which he put on her underwear."
Wife: "WTF are you talking about"
Me: "What if he recently burned himself with candle wax and could only handle the satiny material of ladies underwear?"
Wife: "Are you serious?"
Me: "What if he was soooo messed up that he grabbed undergarments out of what he thought was his drawer? Do you know the full story?"
Wife: "The FULL STORY is that she caught him wearing HER UNDERWEAR!"

Facebook Post of the Week

It's gettin' old people! I'm tiring of these facebook weeks. I'm tired of the "Post your doppleganger's bra size"-week (Carol Woodle 38DDD btw) or the "Post the urban dictionary definition of your name"-week (rich, powerful, black women that can buy anything they want: "you just mad cause you suckas just got Oprahed") I keep waiting for "Post the name of your stillborn fetus"-week. Where is THAT week? And I'm guessing it would be Lil' Harpo...

Carol Woodle facebook page

Happy Anniversary Roe v. Wade

   If only Wade was a better District Attorney, we would never mourn the loss of an unborn fetus. Unless of course she goes to un medico in Mexico, or "accidentally" falls down a flight of stairs, or forces her unborn to listen to Maroon Five...well, you get the picture.  
   If only Roe didn't obsess with killing her unborn child (Normal L. McCorvey, 1969 mother of the year). Poor fetus, feeling a little unloved? If your mother sues the state she resides in because she would like to end your life before it begins, assume that your Christmas won't be everything you hoped for. Be suspicious if you saw any of the following on your first birthday:  a lead-based sippy cup, a child-friendly bottle of Ambien, a Chinese-manufactured anything, a baby walker strategically positioned at the top of the stairs, your mom wearing a t-shirt that says "VERY pro-choice", or the phrase "SID Happens" on your cake. Watch your back little Tommy Roe, watch your back...

CNN.com

Panamanian Nanny

Thanks to everyone for allowing me some needed time off. We just got back from Panama, an interesting crossroad of cultures formerly ruled by a dictator, and I think we may have finally found our nanny. Through a frail old interpreter (he appeared to be 95, both in age and in pounds), we asked her a series of questions that she was quite forthright in answering and I just knew she was the one. Here in the middle of this pale gray room under the watchful eye of this man who looks to be none-other-than Manuel Noriega himself, we BOTH knew she'd try and hide out with her prima.  we've now been told they should have her extradited within the next few months. Gonna be good to have her back in the states... with our little baby Aaron.