Bar @ Hockey Rink

I'm drinking at the bar by myself and these two twenty-something-yr-old girls are both down at the end of the bar texting people. I sit next to them, pretending to frantically text away..
Fat girl: "Oh look, he's mocking us"
Hot girl (disinterested): "Who is?"
Fat girl (pointing) "This guy."
Me: "Nah, I'm not mocking anyone. No, no way"
(Awkward pause)

Me: "This is a picture of my puppy"
Fat girl: "Awww. He's adorable. I love yellow labs."
Hot girl: "I just put my labrador down. His name was Charlie"
Me: "Wow. Thanks for depressing the shit out of all of us"
(the phone of Hot girl rings)
Me: "Hey, why dont you answer your phone while we all stand here and cry"
Hot girl (speaking into phone): "Hang on just one second. (speaking to me): Hey, you're an ASSHOLE"
Me: "THAT'S where you're wrong! My wife says I have asshole 'TENDENCIES'." And I'm impressed it only took you a minute to figure that out. You're really not as dumb as you look."

The Wife's Best Friend (& her husband)

Me: "Just because she caught him wearing her underwear, it doesn't mean he's gay."
Wife: "Exactly how is that NOT gay?"
Me: "I'm not saying the act itself isn't gay. I'm just saying we don't understand the circumstances in which he put on her underwear."
Wife: "WTF are you talking about"
Me: "What if he recently burned himself with candle wax and could only handle the satiny material of ladies underwear?"
Wife: "Are you serious?"
Me: "What if he was soooo messed up that he grabbed undergarments out of what he thought was his drawer? Do you know the full story?"
Wife: "The FULL STORY is that she caught him wearing HER UNDERWEAR!"