In Defense of My Religion

   A friend of mine was lamenting the situation in Haiti the other day when, out of nowhere, he began taking shots at Christianity. And I, a staunchly apathetic Catholic, may have gotten somewhat offended. So when he said, "Here's a question for the so-called Christians. What would Jesus do? Would he say 'Screw the Haitians'?"
   I replied, "Well as a Jew, Jesus would negotiate a much better aid package for the Haitians. Pocketing a hefty fee, of course.  Then he'd hop in the Gulfstream G5 and jet on back to Boca for dinner with the partners to discuss HOW the firm would screw the Haitians.  Not WOULD, but HOW."
   I don't think he liked my reply.  He shot back with, "We gave $100 to Hope for Haiti.  What have you contributed?"
   Without hesitation I blurted, "We adopted two small Haitian children! Who, your $100, could've fed for six months.  Although I will admit, I now see why Brangelina went to Africa to buy theirs (a little cleaner, the Namibians)."
   Nevertheless, I poked fun at the Jews and became closer to two small children.  I think my priest would've been proud...

Say What?!

   Excuse me, Chris Matthews?  "I forgot he was black tonight for an hour"?  What the hell kind of racist statement was that, cracka?  Is it the fact he can articulate his thoughts and feelings? Did you forget he was black because at no point while he was speaking did you fear for your life?  Did you forget he was black because he didn't have a gun in your face?  You ain't fooling anyone, grand wizard.  The president of your country is a black man, and some sh*t's about to change up in here!!

chris-matthews-forget-he-was-black

Moments with Lil' Wayne

"I got the Maserati dancin' on the bridge, p*$$y poppin'. Tell them coppers ha ha ha ha you can't catch 'em, you can't stop 'em."

Okay.  Okay, I think I got this. Now, I believe Bill Maserati was a first baseman for the Red Sox who blew the '86 world series with an error in game six. And I think what this young man, Wayne, is saying is, "they have Mr. Maserati dangling off the River Street bridge, cryin' like a girl. AND he's admitting to having thrown the series and now taunts the police that they could never prove anything."

Bitch, if you think tha Carter was saying somethin' else, lemme hear your version.
Better yet, which of his lyrics inspired you the most?  Provide the real lyric and your "artistic interpretation" of it...

Happy Anniversary Roe v. Wade

   If only Wade was a better District Attorney, we would never mourn the loss of an unborn fetus. Unless of course she goes to un medico in Mexico, or "accidentally" falls down a flight of stairs, or forces her unborn to listen to Maroon Five...well, you get the picture.  
   If only Roe didn't obsess with killing her unborn child (Normal L. McCorvey, 1969 mother of the year). Poor fetus, feeling a little unloved? If your mother sues the state she resides in because she would like to end your life before it begins, assume that your Christmas won't be everything you hoped for. Be suspicious if you saw any of the following on your first birthday:  a lead-based sippy cup, a child-friendly bottle of Ambien, a Chinese-manufactured anything, a baby walker strategically positioned at the top of the stairs, your mom wearing a t-shirt that says "VERY pro-choice", or the phrase "SID Happens" on your cake. Watch your back little Tommy Roe, watch your back...

CNN.com

Obama Gives Haitian Kids A Tweet

"After leaving one station where workers monitored Twitter messages, Obama said he had just "tweeted." He said it was the first time he had done so." -The Washington Post

Now what the Associated Press didn't report was the actual message itself. Fortunately, here at the god-if-this-doesn't-just-scream-hire-me Onion News Network, we happen to have the actual message relayed by President Obama. It reads as follows:

"Children of little #Haiti (am I really in Miami?), do not let the scariness of that little earthquake shake you like that little earthquake shook you.  I 2, know what it's like to grow up in a rough neighborhood. The streets of Papau New Guinea were not paved with gold either, my brother's orphaned children. Life is filled with difficult decisions that we all must make. I made my share.  Like which variety of fruit juice to have after breakfast, or which pair of beach sandals I should wade into the ocean with, or ... ahh screw it, we just lost Massachusetts and I got bigger problems than rebuilding a 3rd world country in the western hemisphere!!"

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/01/19/AR2010011901414.html

Crossing Over with John Edwards

   So John Edwards admitted to being the father today. My question is, how could a psychic medium with a once-popular TV show not foresee the trouble that was coming inside his mistress? It certainly makes me wonder about the authenticity of his show. You’d think by communicating in the afterlife with Rob Lowe’s career, it would’ve warned him about the dangers of sex with videographers. Sources claim the two Democrats were strongly considering an abortion until Edwards began having nightmares about communicating with the dead infant. Now THAT's crossing over (the line) indeed!
   But seriously, the onetime Democratic candidate for President is now just another “baby’s daddy”, further propagating the Democratic stereotype. In what had to be the worst-kept secret since Tom Cruise announced he was gay (still hasn’t happened?), or Mark McGwire injected, ingested, and secreted steroids from his m&m-sized testicles, Mr. Edwards finally manned up and admitted to fathering a love child by former campaign videographer Reille Hunter. For those concerned with the strain this may have on his marriage to wife Elizabeth, he defended his actions by emphatically stating this had absolutely no negative impact on her battle with stage 3 obesity. And even though he and his wife haven’t spoken in months, he WILL be communicating with her on his show REAL soon.
   Of course, Edwards may retract his admission tomorrow by claiming he was just channeling his inner Ted Kennedy ("And yes, I left Mary Jo Kopechne for dead").  Nice to hear from you again Teddy...

Weight Watchers and Load-Bearing Floors

Weight Watchers Floor Collapses During Weigh-In

  Are you fucking kiddin' me? Did this seriously happen? Did these people all die? Not from the fall, but from intolerable humility. How did any ONE of these fat bastards NOT kill themselves after this happened? Wow, the entire floor of a large assembly room within the clinic gave out under the strain of a Weight Watchers group.
   You would think a six-thousand square-foot floor could hold say, more than the TWENTY FUCKIN' PEOPLE this weight watchers club had in attendance that evening!!  Is land simply not strong enough to hold these people anymore? What the hell are we going to do with them? We could put 'em on Royal Caribbean's mammoth Oasis of the Seas as apparently sea water is the only thing that will keep these fat fucks aloft.
   Well now I"M pissed off because we just gave those modern-day tree-huggers, the global warming assholes, more ammunition. And THATS when the shit starts affecting me! Well, we just raised the Earth's sea-level another 3 fuckin' feet, that's how!!  "Oh no, he's spraying his aerosol deoderant while driving his 8 cylinder Escalade", they whine.  How have these people not been harpooned by now? (the people in the boat trying to save the whales. The whales in the water, not the whales in the boat)
   So COME ON fat people!!  When Jenny Craig says, "Get on board", she's not talkin' about dragging your fat asses onto the Lard Boat for a cruise. Drop some weight, or have elective surgery, but for Godsakes change your physical appearance because we're just flat out tired of looking at you!!

Editor's note: Always go with your gut because your douchebag friends will, without a doubt, always fuck you up, "I know for a FACT, that Oasis is Carnival's ship"!  Thanks Dwayne... douchebag

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/34881925/ns/health-diet_and_nutrition/

www.huffingtonpost.com//weight-watchers-clinic

Tiger Woods in Trading Places

   Can't you people see what's going on here? The whole fuckin' Tiger Woods thing is just a $1 bet that the two most powerful men in golf wagered over a decade ago. One of the two, Calvin Peete (Calvin Peete?) played the part of Mortimer Duke while Arnold Palmer (Black Golf Hall of Fame member since '86) played brother Randolph.
   Palmer stated, "I bet you we can turn that guy into the world's richest, most succesful golfer. He'd have everything a brother could want, right down to a Swedish-model wife. He just COULDN'T fuck that up"! Calvin Peete was like "Shiiiiiiiitt, how much you got says THAT nigga be fuckin' white bitches within a YEAR of reachin' the top!?! What do you say Arnie, care to make the usual bet?"

Editors Note: The story only works b/c Calvin Peete said, "Nigga".  The term is only acceptable if used properly by a golfer of the same ethnicity.

Mr Gay China

I just watched this piece of news on LOGO this evening...
   Coming up on PerezHilton TV: we'll take you behind the scenes during filming of : Behind Every Good Man is a Few Good Men. Co-Anchors Rachel Maddow and Anderson Cooper sit down for an explicit two-on-one with Samantha Ronson.  Ellen Degeneres opens up to Shepherd Smith for the first time about her powerful addiction to pussy. Jr Correspondent Ryan Seacrest will show you never-before-seen photos of the reception INSIDE Elton John's coastal hideaway. Field correspondent Stuart Little will bring you all the dirt from INSIDE Richard Gere while health specialist Sanjay Gupta tells you why inserting a mouse as a sensible substitute can KEEP you looking fabulous. Then, in the first of seven two-minute reports lasting 20 seconds, Sr Correspondent Carlos Diaz will take us inside...over and over and over again.
But first, our own Tom Cruise is in China tonight, Tom?
   "Carrie, organizers here cancelled the first Mr. Gay China pageant only an hour before the parade was set to begin when Chinese officials claimed they lacked the necessary permits. 50 finalists vying for the spectacularly-decorated crown were readying back stage when eight uniformed police officers walked into Assless Chap Charlie's and shut down the event. Confusion reigned as the contestants thought the police officers were actually strippers and a no-holes-barred free-for-all ensued. Celebrity blogger and honorary emcee of the event, Wang Hilton was not hurt in the melee that took place here in the deepest, darkest, uncomfortable part of Beijing. In the end Carrie, 49 of the 50 contestants were arrested this afternoon so SOMEONE in the pokey's sleepin single and it ain't THIS China doll!!...aheh aheh aheh"
   Thank you Tom. Now, how will all this impact Disney's long-planned theme park just outside of Shanghai and will the government shut down Disney Gay Day China as well? Who will be that galvanizing force the world can rally around? Who will address the masses in front of the thousands of cameras, microphones, and watchful eyes of casting agents. Will it be Nathan Lane we see? Will it be Neil Patrick Harris commanding your attention in a satiny little number from Justice? Or will we finally see Lance Bass rise to prominence as the voice of fairness, reason, and equality for everyone?  One thing's for certain, we're all watching how you handle Gay Days over there in China Premier Jiabao, we're ALL watching.
   For the entire crew, I'm Carrie Prejean and that's what "I think that I believe".  This has been a Robertson-Limbaugh production.

(Fast Facts: Gay Day China is far cheaper than Gay Days produced in Anaheim or Orlando. But parade-goers are warned not to put anything from Gay Day China in your mouth as it may contain high levels of Freddie Mercury)

Chinese Gay Pageant - NY Times
Gay Teen Worried he may be Christian - The Onion

Spaced Cowboys

NASA found cocaine in a facility that houses the space shuttle Discovery and is now launching an investigation instead of a shuttle! Why are the drug cartels so far ahead of the authorities? Let me tell you what the investigation is going to uncover:
The South American cartels are now moving the shit thru the Russian space program, paying the government large sums of money to do so. The Russians (in desperate need of money in a faltering economy) store the coke in the International Space Station until the American astronauts arrive. The "docking station" is where the interplanetary drop takes place. The coke is loaded aboard one of NASA's shuttles (usually the shuttle Columbian) and brought back to the sandy shores of Florida by rogue Mission Specialists. Let's see the US Coast Guard try and board a fuckin' space shuttle with search dogs!
And before you say, "there's no way American astronauts are crazy enough to be drug mules", I submit to you the insane Houston-to-Orlando diaper-wearing astronaut Lisa Nowak. She was only plotting to kidnap and MURDER her coworker. You really think all that was about a bizarre love triangle? No way, that was a drug deal gone bad. You boil a rabbit in someone's kitchen in a love triangle, but you fuckin' put two in the back of the head if they cross you on a coke deal.  Flores para las muertas, puta!!!

NASA's Smugglers Blues - Huffington Post

The Benz

...so my buddy from work, Dwayne, got into another car accident last week.  I feel bad for my dog 'cause he got a wife who's definitely the alpha male in THAT pack. He'd been lookin at a Benz for 7 years. SEVEN YEARS, before he bought it!!  His wife, Diana, finally relented and he has crashed that Benz THREE times now in only 12 months.  Needless to say, she was NOT HAPPY to get the call from Dwayne that he did about $15thou worth of damage to the car.  Did i mention that she got laid off down at her job and only found out three days prior? She'd been with that company since she was 17 years old and was a fucked up, emotional mess the rest of that week.
So my girl and i are hosting an [INSERT COOL EVENT NAME HERE] in which everybody-that's-somebody in our town will be coming to. Well Dwayne's been bitching for a few weeks now; bitchin' since he found out he has to attend a birthday party at a Chuckie Cheese for Diana's nephew way out on the coast. He held out hope they'd be making an extended appearance at our place this Friday night.  Now, he don't even have enough points to ASK if they can pop-in...

Boxers & Shades

In college, we thought boxers were the coolest thing. remember? you know how that got started, right? all the frat boys were just so stoned that they simply forgot to put thier pants on. they wore boxers to the grocery store ALL of the time (and if you ain't heard bout the munchies, that's some SHIT right there). once that became acceptable, we ALL started wearing them to class, to the laundry mat, wore 'em to the MALL for christ's sake! All got started b/c of some baked Sigma Chi's, Phi Delt's, and Pike brothers.  oh HELL, we even had a PARTY to celebrate the fact we could only wear boxers and shades, and somehow THAT was acceptible! soooo, during the glory days of the republican party, kids were wearing nothing more than boxer shorts and cheap sun glasses.
Damn, maybe i AM envious of you fratty douchebags after all. just took me awhile to realize it. you guys allowed civilization to wear boxers outside of the home and allowed college boys everywhere, easy access to the daughters of those same republicans.

TSA Confessional

An eight-year-old boy from New Jersey has been getting frisked “up and down his arms, up his crotch” since the age of two and the governing authority allows this to continue? When I first saw this story I wasn’t sure if the king of pop still walked among us (the rumors of MJ faking his own death suddenly seemed more credible) or the Catholic church would soon have to relocate another priest to a distant state (you know, the old “find the priest in the shell” game).
   I felt a little better when I learned that the Cub Scout from Clifton, NJ just happened to be on a Transportation Security Administration watch list and is frequently patted down by TSA agents at the airport. I felt better until I read that hundreds of defrocked priests, now looking for work in these tough economic times, have offered their talents to the TSA. It’s so difficult for priests to gain employment these days without getting oral praise from the Archbishop that many are turning to airports as a new source of job satisfaction. With the amount of rewarding jobs in steady decline, a scandal involving kickbacks and dirty dealings has rocked the church recently (link to the article, “Priests finding it hard to get ahead without greasing the Bishop”) causing a substantial drop-off in the numbers of their targeted demographic (five to 14 year old boys).
However, while one door closes another back door seems to be opening. Defrocked priests hired as screening agents are so anxious to get their hands on their wands and begin the titillating screening process that many are leaving their rectories behind in search of a more stimulating career.

The Catholic Boat

Resignation Letter

Dear Mr. Snidely,
It is with unbridled elation and irrepressible giddiness that I offer you my long anticipated letter of resignation. Although I certainly appreciate the opportunity you afforded me, found the work quite exhilarating, and genuinely enjoyed the challenges my job presented, that 90-day probationary period ended oh so long ago. While it’s true I won’t be shedding any tears upon packing up my belongings, it’s the people here who I will ignore the most as I’m escorted from the building (get your own f*ckin’ Tupperware people!!).
Anyway, I’ve decided to join the 14% of the workforce who claim they enjoy what they do (14% - 10% unemployed = 4% happy AND working). It’s not that I think the large amount of lottery tickets I purchase weekly will pan out, nor do I think my next job will offer enough financial security to call it, “making a living”. But as Stephen Baldwin once said (right before he bit into his block of cheese with a warm bottle of Mad Dog at his side and cocked the hammer), “Money isn’t everything”.  (What? Stephen Baldwin's still alive?)
Nonetheless, I can no longer attempt to ignore the general malaise that accompanies my job responsibilities. The daily routine here at work produces an unbearable ennui from which the only escape is a non-judgmental bottle of Red Label on Saturdays, followed by plenty of aspirin and quality family time on Sunday afternoon between 2:30 and 3:15. Therefore, it is now with great hesitation and delusions of blogging grandeur that I offer you my letter of resignation on this fine day. Do not attempt to persuade me to stay with promises of a larger cubical or a fancy new whiteboard as my mind is already made up. Furthermore…

(Voice of co-worker): "Hey man, are you joining us for lunch or what?"

"Already? Yeah, I’m right behind you."

Ahh fuck it.

Begin, the rest is easy

Any person that says, "begin, the rest is easy" has NEVER met the wife. Things have gotten much more difficult and she has gotten way less easy:
"what? your blog is getting popular? who gives a shit!? you were funny in '06, but this is a new decade. I wouldn't blame them if they threw out ALL your old shitty blogs. you know why? cause they purged all of their CRAPPY BLOGS. so don't tell me they probably screwed up alot of people's blogs. It was just Blogspots crappy, i.e. YOUR BLOGS that they purged!".

less easy: "honey, there is no way in hell we're gonna..a rusty WHAT?"

Panamanian Nanny

Thanks to everyone for allowing me some needed time off. We just got back from Panama, an interesting crossroad of cultures formerly ruled by a dictator, and I think we may have finally found our nanny. Through a frail old interpreter (he appeared to be 95, both in age and in pounds), we asked her a series of questions that she was quite forthright in answering and I just knew she was the one. Here in the middle of this pale gray room under the watchful eye of this man who looks to be none-other-than Manuel Noriega himself, we BOTH knew she'd try and hide out with her prima.  we've now been told they should have her extradited within the next few months. Gonna be good to have her back in the states... with our little baby Aaron.